i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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