I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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