i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
