My first STD was from a foam party
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
