As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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