Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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