My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
