3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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