Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
