I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
