I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
