Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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