I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
