Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
