shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
