The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
