I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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