That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Come on in and take your pants off
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