Can i not drive my cunt home
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
