I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
