i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
