I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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