i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
