i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
