my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
