Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
