If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
the day after is always just damage control
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
50% drunk capacity currently
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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