if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
