Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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