So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
