When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
