I wanna bring you to show and tell
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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