It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
