These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
