I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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