And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize