So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
