That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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