im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
