if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
