You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
