I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
