fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
