the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize