So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize