So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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