I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
