i just sent this text using only my big toe
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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