eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think your dad took our porno
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
