Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
