I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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