Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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