I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You ruined the universe
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize