At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
