there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize