just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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