The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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