Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
