Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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