Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
