Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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