After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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