dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
