i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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