The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's official drugs can't kill me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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