i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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