If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
